


Barely Breathing

by Firewalkwithme133



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben misses Rey, Breakup, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Flash Forward, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, HEA Guaranteed, Happy Ending, Healing Sex, High School, Love, No descriptions of actual drug use, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pain, Pining, Reunions, Rey misses Ben, Sad Rey (Star Wars), Sex, Soft Ben Solo, Soft sex, Teacher Ben Solo, True Love, Writer Ben Solo, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey (Star Wars), abandoned Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27517471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firewalkwithme133/pseuds/Firewalkwithme133
Summary: Childhood sweethearts Rey and Ben grow up together and fall in love, but Rey's insecurities drive them apart. Ben leaves town and doesn't return until five years later, when he's forced to confront his past and his one true love.
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 32
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

It's scorching hot outside, wavy lines of humidity hovering over the pavement of the parking lot in front of the dollar store. It's busy today. Maybe because it's July 4th, she thinks. They have all the good red, white, and blue themed paper plates and cups. Fun little pinwheels and hats. Lots of little flags and patriotic headbands. Basically, a bunch of crap that will be used once and thrown away by the end of the night after all the picnics and fireworks. Morning will come and the summer will come to an end. And the next year will round the corner, starting the cycle over again. 

And Rey will still be here too. She's not here for the excitement of the holiday though. This may be the best place to score cheap holiday decorations; but it's also the best spot to score some decent dope.

She's sitting on the side of the building well out of sight, but still able to see people go in and out. Looking down at the dirty concrete beneath her, she tries to memorize the pattern of the pavement. Her hands are starting to shake - not too badly, but it's definitely the beginning of withdrawals. It's been too long since her last hit. She's not been able to reach her guy this week.

Reaching into the pocket of her jean shorts, she pulls out her cell phone to call him for probably the fifth time that day. He's usually here to meet her, even if she doesn't call. Hopefully he'll show up, but it's concerning that he hasn't by now. 

It wasn't abnormal for a friend to die suddenly - especially when your friends are drug addicts. 

Her phone is cheap, a pay-as-you-go phone. She can't afford a fancy iPhone, but at least it's a smart phone. She can watch YouTube videos and scroll through social media. Who needs to drop a grand on a phone that does the same thing? Most of her money goes to her "problem" anyway. A few dollars here and there go to snacks and bus money.

It's rung now four times and still no answer. 

"Shit. Dammit." A sheen of sweat is forming on her upper lip. There isn't much else she can do except walk down to the airport parking lot a few blocks away. She knows a guy that might be able to help her out, but it’s going to cost more than usual. He is a total scammer, knowing that desperate people like her will come crawling to him. But she doesn’t have a choice.

The heat is so intense on her face it’s nearly blistering her skin, and as she walks past the Mapco nearby, she can smell the mix of gas, oil, and exhaust that wafts out of the mechanic shop next door. A little prick hits her heart – a memory of endless nights at the library pouring over books, struggling to get done so she can make it to work at the auto shop. 

With a huff she makes the climb up the steep hill, and when she makes it down, she pulls a bottle of now warm water out of her backpack and guzzles it down. Her destination is close.

Finally, the familiar chain link fence comes into view, and lo and behold there he is.

“Hello angel. Didn’t think I would be seeing you today.”

“Neither did I, but I’m desperate. How much can you give me for five?” She pulls a sliver of cash out of her bra, ready to hand it over.

Poe puts his hands on his hips and looks her up and down. “You still owe me some from last week, remember?”

Rey almost growls, but she knows he's right. Her hands are tremoring even worse now than before, and her head is pounding in the heat.

“I know, but please. Just today. I can pay you back. I promise.”

Biting his lip, he says, “You know Rey. There’s no need for you to struggle like this. You know I can help you. All you have to do is say yes.”

She knows what he’s implying, and she squirms inside. The first time she’d come to him, he’d tried to make her pay in other ways, and Rey wasn’t desperate enough to do it just yet. Poe expected to get his way – talking to her as if she were nothing, demanding she bow and scrape before him. She knows he secretly wants to get his hands on her. He always did. There is only one man that she trusts.

Poe sees something in her eyes. “You know…he’s not coming back.”

Of course, he would bring that up. Right when she was at her lowest. Poe always did like to kick them when they’re down.

She shakes it off. “I told you already. I’m not doing that. Please Poe. I’m begging you. Just this once. I can meet you back here in a week. By then I should have enough.” It's a long shot because Poe is stubborn – had always been stubborn, even in high school. Always the one to talk back to their teachers, coaches, school bus drivers – Rey wondered how he graduated at all.

“Fine.” He lifts his hands to light a cigarette. “But if I come here, and you don’t show up I can’t ignore it.” He hands her prize over and she hastily shoves it into her backpack, eager to be on her way. “I know, I know. I’ll see you in a week.”

It was so hot, and she was clamoring to get back to the motel.

“Bye angel. See you soon.”

*****

After walking the few blocks back to her motel room, Rey scurries into the bathroom. When she comes out a few minutes later her head starts to swim, consciousness grasping for air as it's suffocated by the drug.

Not caring about her sweaty body, she collapses on the bed back first, staring up at the spackled ceiling. The tremors are gone, and her heart slows. Now she can escape, can't she? Her mind clears, forcing out the memories, but walking by that damn auto shop had completely opened her up. She fights with her brain, willing it to shut off.

“Please. Please don’t. I don’t want to think about it. I can’t. God, please. Please just erase it. Just erase it forever.”

It was no use. Before her eyes could roll into the back of her head, his face swam before her bleary eyes.

“ _Ben_ ,” she cried.

*****

Fifteen years before…

_This is going to be the best day ever._

_Rey leans over and whispers, “Psstt. Finn. Guess what?! It’s my birthday today!”_

_Ms. Holdo is writing on the chalk board, and Rey struggles to keep her voice down because last week she’d had to pull a red circle for talking during class, and that was horrible. All the kids whispered and giggled at her._

_“Wow! That’s awesome. Do you want to come by my house and play? We can do water balloons or ride bikes or play on the swing set!”_

_“Oooo! Oooo! I know. Can we skate? Please! Do you think your mom would…”?_

_“Rey Johnson.”_

_Oh no. Caught again._

_“Yes ma’am?” she asked. She braced herself._

_“What have I said about talking while the teacher is talking?”_

_Not to talk, duh, Rey thought. But how could she keep quiet when it’s her birthday! She is seven today, and it’s her favorite day out of the whole year because Mr. Plutt lets her have his Little Debbie cakes and she even gets to watch her favorite cartoon. Maybe he would even let her watch more than one._

_“Well, not to talk, but I couldn’t help it because, um,” she wrung her hands together, squirming in her seat, “because it’s my birthday today.” She gave her teacher her toothiest grin, but Ms. Holdo was mean._

_“Red circle now please. And go sit on the carpet and face the wall until class is over.”_

_Finn looks over and frowns. He’s her best friend. He always wants to stick up for her, but she doesn’t want him to get into trouble._

_So, she quietly walks up to pull a little red circle and plops herself down on the rug, playing with its frayed ends as she waits for the bell to ring._

_School is so boring, and it takes forever for 3:00pm to come, but it finally does. She rushes to pull her ratty backpack out of her cubby and pulls Finn’s hand._

_They hop onto their school bus and run to get the seat at the back. It’s their seat, no one else’s._

_Finn hands her a piece of bubble gum. “So, what do you wanna do first?”_

_“I dunno. I think I just want to skate first and play the boombox.”_

_“Okay cool.”_

_Finn lives in a pretty nice neighborhood – not super fancy where all the rich kids live, but nicer than Rey’s. She lives in a trailer home on the other side of town, and the only kids that play there are older and meaner. There’s no room to ride bikes or play hopscotch. There’s barely any front yard, and Mr. Plutt has a mean old dog he’s chained up in the backyard that’s pretty scary. She comes home with Finn a couple days a week to play. Mr. Plutt doesn’t care. As long as she doesn’t get into any trouble and “mess up his checks” whatever that means._

_When they barrel down the steps of the school bus, the driver stops them. “Reyna. This isn’t your stop.”_

_“But Maz I promise I won’t tell anyone.”_

_Rey could see Maz mulling it over in her head. “How are you going to get home this time?”_

_“My mom’s gonna take her home,” Finn said._

_“Hmm. You be home before dark, okay?”_

_Thank goodness. “Yes, ma’am I will…. Bye!” She grabs Finn’s hand and they run down the street to his house. It’s small, but cute, and Finn’s Mom is super nice._

_After they go inside and have snacks, they run back out and put on their roller blades, Finn setting his boombox down onto the pavement trying to find a good song on the radio._

_Snapping the clasp of her helmet under her chin, Rey says, “I hope they play MMMBop. That’s my favorite song in the whole world!”_

_Finn rolls his eyes, and Rey knew he would because this was her favorite song and she was worried he would turn it off, but she reminded him, “Ah-ah-ah! It’s my birthday today, and I get to listen to what I want to listen to.”_

_“Ugh. Fine. But can I just pick the next one? Please?”_

_“Maybe!” she said._

_They circle the cul-de-sac on their skates over and over, occasionally bumping into each other, making them giggle. They race each other to see who can make it to the end of the street first – and Finn is always the fastest, which really bugs her. She wants to win at every game. Every now and then a car drives down through the neighborhood, and they have to move out of the way, but they always go right back into whatever game they’re playing._

_The song playing on the radio is fading out as a new car drives slowly by them into the house by Finn’s. It’s Mr. Luke. She really likes him. He’s kinda weird and quiet, but always nice, and sometimes he brings them snacks and old cassette tapes he doesn’t use any more. Finn doesn’t really like all the adult bands like “Grateful Dead” and “Jefferson Airplane” but Rey does. She thinks they’re cool._

_This time though Mr. Luke is not alone. The passenger door of his car opens and a young boy with scruffy dark hair and pale skin steps out. He’s a little taller than her and Finn and real quiet._

_Luke comes over to introduce them. “Kids, this is my nephew Ben. Ben this is Finn and Rey.”_

_“It’s my birthday today,” Rey says. It’s kind of a big deal. He needs to know._

_But he doesn’t say anything._

_“Ben can you say hi…please.” Mr. Luke seems annoyed like Ms. Holdo when she can’t get one of her students to do what she says._

_The new kid just stands there with his arms crossed._

_“What’s wrong with you? How come you have such a grouchy face?” Rey asks. Finn laughs behind her._

_Ben looks kind of mad. “So, what if I do?”_

_Mr. Luke is mad too, Rey thinks, watching him walk into the house._

_Maybe Ben is just shy. Sometimes she’s shy, like how she felt on the first day of school when she rode the school bus. Or like when she had no one to sit with in the cafeteria at lunch._

_“You wanna play with us? We’re rollerblading,” she said._

_Grouchy Ben scoffed, “Yeah right. I don’t play with babies. How old are you anyway?”_

_“I’m seven today because it’s my birthday, and Finn is six and a half. So, I’m basically way older. How old are you?”_

_“I’m eight,” he hits his chest with his thumb._

_“Oh, okay. That’s cool. Do you want to skate with us?”_

_“I don’t have skates. I’m gonna ride my bike. But I’m not playing with you.”_

_Rey doesn’t care. Boys are stupid sometimes. He might be nicer if she leaves him alone._

_She and Finn tighten the straps on their skates and zoom up and down the street. Rey looks over to see that Ben is gone, but soon he’s coming from around the back of his uncle’s house with his bike. It’s black with red handles. There aren’t any streamers on the handlebars or cool beads on the spokes, but Rey likes it._

_He hops onto the bike and rides around them as the evening sun begins to set._

_As she circles back, she notices the orange of the sun hitting his face and feels something strange in her tummy. He’s nice to look at, kind of gangly but his mouth is pretty and so are his eyes. Rey doesn’t like boys. They’re gross and they always make fun of her for being too scrawny. But Rey likes Ben. He’s…. different._

_The radio starts playing another song and Finn skates away to change it, but Ben hears it and stops him, “Hey don’t change that. That’s my favorite song.”_

_Cords start to strum out of the boombox speaker. Rey’s never heard it before, and it sounds boring, but Ben likes it._

_“Yeah Finn, that’s my favorite song too!” She skates up behind to block him from changing it and laughs at his frustration. “Rey,” he says, “that’s not your favorite song. You don’t even know it. You like MMMBop.”_

_Ben hits the breaks on his bike. “Eww. Hanson is for babies.”_

_Rey is so mad at Finn her face burns, "I don't like Hanson! I never said that!" She chases Finn up the street as fast as her skates can carry her and stops when she hears Finn's mother call out for him._

_"Sorry Rey. Mom says it's time for dinner. Are you coming?"_

_She really likes dinner at Finn's house. His Mom makes really good food like mashed potatoes and biscuits and ham. Stuff Mr. Plutt never makes. But she doesn't want to stop playing with Ben, so she looks behind to see what he's doing._

_"Ben do you wanna come eat with me and Finn?"_

_He's still perched on his bike. "Nah. I'm gonna go inside and read."_

_"Oh," she says. "Okay Ben." She watches him walk inside Luke's house and walks back to Finn disappointed. Ben is really cool, and she wants to hang out with him some more._

_Maybe she can come over tomorrow._

_*****_

Present day...

"Your grandfather was a writer too, wasn't he?" she asked. 

"Yes, yes he was. I didn't really know him though. He, um.... he unfortunately died before I was born."

"Anakin Skywalker. You've mentioned him in interviews before. Was it his work that inspired you to write?" 

Ben is so tired of answering these mundane questions. With every interview he does, he becomes more jaded with the process. Was it not enough to complete the book on time? What was the point of going through a ridiculous press tour for something no one will probably ever read?

Thankfully he has it all memorized:

"Yes and no. He wrote mostly poetry, all very good, but I always felt more at home writing novels."

The interviewer sighed, and Ben could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. Thankfully he was doing this over the phone. Hiding his feelings was never his strong suit. 

"I see. I imagine he would have been very proud of all you've accomplished. Especially with this being your first work. And now being considered for the Pulitzer Prize. What do you think he would make of that?"

"Well, I would like to think he would approve. I think my mother does, or at least I hope she does." He knows she doesn't, but he's not going to say that. 

A pause fills the space before she says, "Well, I think it's safe to say that it's a magnificent work Ben. I just have one more question for you. In the inscription you dedicate this book to " _R, my sweetheart. Now and forever_." Can you tell our listeners who that is?" 

This was a surprise. 

He's never been asked about it, and really it shouldn't come as a shock. But it still knocks the wind out of him.

"R is...someone very special to me. She was my best friend. I loved her very much." He feels that familiar lump in his throat that always surfaces when talking about _her_. 

"She must have been a wonderful person."

The interviewer can't see him, but he smiles, "She was. She really was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW in case it’s not clear: Rey isn’t dead. I would never do that. But when people get lost in their addiction it can feel that way.


	2. Chapter 2

Ben forgets how hot it can be here in the summer. He still has his collared shirt and suit jacket on as he stands outside the terminal waiting for his Dad. 

Wiping the sweat from his brow, he surveys the area and remembers the last time he was here, years ago: the hole in his heart, the sad resignation, and the thought that he would never be back. 

But now, miraculously he thinks, he _is_ back. He's terrified because around any corner he could see what he dreads: memories. The good ones hurt as much as the bad. It makes him incredibly nervous, but he had no choice. 

When Han had called him, it was not what he'd expected: "Come home son. Your mother's sick."

It was like a punch to the gut: Lung cancer.

She wasn't doing well and wanted both of her boys with her. Ben had always been close to his mother, much more so than Han. Leia was a refined, worldly woman, an intellectual more interested in books and politics. Ben was much the same, always an avid reader. 

Han on the other hand, was a gruff, scrappy sort of person who always bounced back from whatever bad thing in life was thrown his way. Ben could think of someone else just like him. 

And there it was. The first prick to his heart. And it wouldn't be the last. 

Finally, he sees the old beat up Chevy rolling up to the curb, and suddenly Ben feels like he's going to pass out, waiting on his father to get out of the car. 

Han slowly exits the car, hands on his hips, walking up to stand in front of his son, and says: "Welcome home son." 

Ben can't take it. He bends down and grasps Han tightly, crying into his shoulder, Han’s own shoulders shaking with grief. 

After a few minutes they break apart, both wiping their eyes, and Ben puts his bag in the back seat. They haven’t said anything for the first few minutes of the drive, but finally Ben breaks the silence.

“How is she?” he asks.

Han keeps his eyes on the road when he answers, getting back onto the interstate: “Doing okay today. She’s so damn excited to see you she’s been up all day cleaning the house, getting dinner ready for you.”

Ben hates this. He doesn’t want his presence to make her worse. He wants to yell at his Dad for letting her be up and about, but he knows they’re at the point where it’s too late. That conversation would have been warranted a year ago, before the diagnosis. It was important now for him to let it go and just love her.

“Let me guess," he says, looking over in amusement, “she’s made a meal fit for twelve people instead of three.”

Han nods, “Yep. She bought the grocery store. We might as well buy the thing out at this point.”

Ben hears himself laugh, but stops, afraid to make things too light. He can’t forget why he’s here, the gravity of the situation.

His mother is going to die. And he’s laughing.

Han must notice the change in his demeanor and reaches over to pat his hand. “It’s okay. She wants you to be yourself. She’s not going to be happy if you’re miserable. Although you being miserable might be normal. You always were.”

Ben agrees. He’s never been a positive sort of person. He’s not depressed or glum per se, just not bright and bubbly and full of life the way most people are. They way _she_ was.

“Mmm. I guess there’s some truth to that” he replies.

It’s half an hour before they arrive at the Solo residence, looming on a familiar hill in the distance. The sun’s been hidden now by the clouds, the wind picking up. It looks like a storm is coming.

As Han opens the door, Ben wishes he could hide, but his height of course makes it impossible.

No hiding now.

His mother runs up to the door so fast he can barely register her little arms reaching up for his cheeks so she can kiss them.

And when she pulls back, he tries to hold back his shock at her appearance.

Growing up he’d always remembered her dark brown hair up in braids or some elaborate bun, but this time it’s half up, half grey, and thin. Her face, while covered in the usual makeup, is thinner and paler, and her frame feels weaker. It’s silly, but he’s afraid his hug will break her. She’s so delicate now.

He clears his throat. “Hi Mom.”

She pats his cheek playfully, just as she always has. “Hi son. I missed you. So glad you’re home.” She wraps her arms around his waist, and he cradles her head on his chest.

“Well come on in! I’ve got dinner all ready for you, and if you don’t like it," she’s turning back to him now to makes sure he knows, “you can always tell me. We can go get something else.”

He knows she’s cooked a feast and would die if he refused.

“It’s fine Mom. I’m starving so anything’s good.”

She walks back into the kitchen and Han follows to help her bring everything into the dining room.

After he takes a breath, he looks around and thinks he’ll be stepping into some sort of time warp, expecting the old brown couches Leia bought when he was a child and the ugly floral wallpaper she’d happily put up when he was in high school.

But instead everything is a dull gray and white—very sleek and modern. Of course, his mother would always follow the latest trends. She hates to be left behind. In more ways than one, he thinks, and the guilt is coming for him. But thankfully his mother’s entrance into the dining room with Han distracts him.

They all take a seat, and there’s a small amount of awkwardness for many reasons, primarily Leia’s sickness, but also Ben’s absence the last few years. Both weigh heavily on him.

“How are you feeling Mom?” he asks.

She smiles while putting a slice of ham on her plate, “Oh, just fine. Went to the doctor last week and he says everything looks about the same.”

He thinks she’s far too calm, and it’s typical Leia. Like him, she likes to put on a show that everything is okay when deep down she’s crumbling inside.

“What is the same exactly?” Ben says.

Leia looks over at Han in silent communication, and he answers for her: “Well, your mother’s had a lot of back pain lately that’s been making it hard to walk and do what she needs to do, and the doctor mentioned surgery, but she’s just not up to it.”

Ben gets it. They’re past the point of no return. Now it’s about making her comfortable. He fights the urge to scold her about being up on her feet with this pain, but over the years he’s learned to hold back. Therapy’s been helpful, teaching him to stop and breathe before reacting with his emotions.

That’s the end of the conversation on Leia’s health, and it’s for the best because he can see she’s tired and more excited to hear about him than anything else.

“I just can’t believe it. My son, the famous author. I always knew you’d follow in your Grandpa’s footsteps. Hadn’t I always said that Han?” she queries.

Ben knows this is blatantly untrue, because growing up all he ever heard was "I don't want you to end up a loser like your grandfather, wasting your life away Benjamin. Reading is perfectly fine, but writing is not a smart choice for a career." But she's sick, and he lets it go. It's nice to feel acknowledged. 

Han takes a swig of whiskey, “Don’t I know it. But seriously kid. We’re really proud of you.”

Leia hesitates for a moment, but continues, “And you know, Rey would be too.”

And that’s what does it. The only thing that could hurt more than “Your Mom is dying son” is “Rey.”

He refuses to let it even enter his brain. That part has been locked away with a key, duct tape, super glue, metal, anything and everything he could find. And he only recently took a peek inside while writing his now infamous book. Just writing the dedication was a struggle. A small sentence was enough to rip his heart out. He built the wall back up after the book was printed, and tried to move on with his life, dodging as many questions as he could about it.

He doesn’t say anything because acknowledging the comment would open up a conversation he can’t have, so he just nods, hoping that will suffice. Thankfully it does.

“So, where’s Luke?”

Leia answers rolling her eyes, “Oh you know him. Hiding away like a hermit. He’s been a big help though. I’ve been begging him to move nearby, but he won’t leave that cave of his. Don’t know why he wants to keep staying in that house.”

“Wait. He’s still at the same house?” _The same place his life changed forever._

“Oh yeah,” Leia says. Then she pauses, and Ben is curious because the wheels in her head must be turning quite a bit to make her stall this long, but she finally just says, “You know him. Always did have a hard time with change.”

That’s definitely true. Ben smiles thinking of Luke’s old house, likely still covered wall-to-wall with dark shaggy carpeting, with the ugliest pea green exterior columns outside he’d ever seen. Kind of dangerous now that he thinks about it—lead paint and all. The couch had plastic over it, and Ben would bet anything that it still did. And of course, Luke always had those ugly hanging plants swinging around in those seventies-styled macramé plant holders.

It was his first _real_ home. 

The house he’s currently sitting in was just a holding place—a house full of conflict and misunderstanding. Of yelling, and gaslighting and broken glasses.

Luke’s house was home. A place of love, acceptance, and new life. Watching orange sunsets while sitting outside on the porch swing reading his favorite books—peaceful evenings with dinners where glasses did not break, where no voices were raised.

Where he met his first friends……his best friends.

And her.

He can’t respond to his mother on that score, too afraid of being dragged down into his feelings again, so he changes the subject, talking about the house, and how nice it looks now that she’s redecorated, or about all of Leia’s friends, how Han’s business is going.

It’s nice.

After all conversation is over, and the dishes are cleaned and put away (Ben having to force his mother out of the kitchen so he could do it), everyone heads off to bed.

“I’m so glad you’re here son.” She hugs him goodnight and Han winks.

Ben stays downstairs a little longer to pour himself a drink and sits on the couch letting it cloud his brain and drown out the voices that haven’t stopped since he got into town.

Once he’s had a good cry over his mother, he wipes the tears from his face and heads upstairs to his old bedroom. On the way there though, he halts in front of a picture hanging on the wall in the hallway.

It’s his prom picture. His senior prom.

He’s not seen it in years. He laughs at this Ben, so young and cocky and naïve about the world. So unprepared for what life would bring him. Giddy, free, young.

Next to him, her delicate tan arm draped through his, is his sweetheart.

As he lifts his finger and touches the glass covering the picture his vision blurs, the memory bursting out from those walls he’s put up inside.

He whispers out, almost as if in prayer. It’s a plea to the universe, begging it to right the past, to make everything good and whole again. He thinks, as he has before, that it’ll be enough. But it never is.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but as I wrote this Against All Odds came up on my shuffle and I teared up 😫😢


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take the time and thank you if you’re reading this. This story means a lot to me. It’s hard to read something so sad, but it won’t always be. Care Bears and sunshine at the end. 
> 
> btw YES the title is from the Duncan Sheik song. I’m a 90s baby. It’s like a requirement to know this song.

Ben’s head throbs when he wakes the next morning.

He reaches over to his bedstand and guzzles down the bottle of water he’d left there the night before and lays his head back down on the pillow.

It was only his first day back, and he’d already fallen apart.

He can’t afford to break down, especially not in front of his mother. Leia has enough to worry about, without having to deal with a brokenhearted, messed up son.

Today he has to be on his game because he’s got a meeting with the school principal, Amilyn Holdo. She’s an old friend of the family, having known Leia and Han since Ben was a boy. She was especially nice to Ben, seeing the way his parents often neglected him those first few years.

She’d not been principal when Ben was in high school. He probably would have had a better time of it, but unfortunately Snoke was around, and he was a nightmare. Ben hardly made it to graduation with all the stunts he pulled.

If Rey hadn’t been there to keep him in line, he would have dropped out just to stick it to them. _Stop pretending you’re someone else, Ben_ , she’d say. _Can’t you just be my Ben?_

As he swung his legs over the edge of the bed he smiled, thinking about how she was always right.

He shoved those thoughts back where they belonged in that safe space in his mind and got dressed for the appointment.

Upon making his way downstairs he hurriedly passed the pictures hanging in the hallway and dashed down a little too quickly, running clear into his mother.

“Omph!” He grabs her shoulders to keep her from tilting backward and runs his hands frantically up and down her body, scared that he’s hurt her, but she shoos him away.

“I’m fine Ben. Don’t fret over me. I’m your mother. It’s my job to fret over you son.” She’s smiling, but he’s not in the mood to pretend. It won’t be long now.

“Well,” she continues. “Off to see Amilyn?”

“Yeah,” he says massaging the back of his neck. “I’m gonna see if I can at least get into my classroom early to start my lesson planning.”

“Okay. Well just be sure you’re home in time for dinner. Your uncle will be joining us.”

This stops Ben in his tracks.

He doesn’t know how to feel about Luke.

The last time they’d spoken, it had been a heated argument, the worst of his life, and he’d sworn he’d never speak to him again. And he’s got the old urge to scream at his mother that the last thing he wants to do is dreg up the past, with all its pain and conflict. He doesn’t want to deal with Luke. He wants to sever every connection to that era in his life. Writing his book had been therapeutic, but hard. He was wrung out.

He’s gotten older too. It’s been five years, and he can see now that Luke had only done what he thought was necessary at the time. Ben would always harbor anger toward him in some way, but now he’s just too tired to care. And he doesn’t want to upset Leia. 

“Sure Mom. I will. Love you.” He bends down to leave a kiss on her delicate cheek, and she reaches around his waist for a hug.

“Love you too.”

*****

When he walks outside, the humidity hits him in the face, and he groans in frustration. Sweat is already seeping out of his shirt, and he’s annoyed because he wants to make a good impression, even though he’s basically already got the job.

After he turns on the AC, he sits for a minute in the driveway, taking a breath while the cool of the air hits his face. He’s already anticipating the memories he’ll have to face when walking back into that old high school building. But at least he doesn’t have to deal with Snoke anymore. And it’s highly unlikely any of the same teachers will be there. And thankfully, of course, none of his old classmates. What a nightmare.

As he’s driving along, he turns on the radio and hums to himself, acknowledging that it’s at least a pretty day outside, even though it’s hot, and soon he can sit in his air-conditioned classroom to focus on work, the only thing that’s gotten him through the past few years.

He finally sees his exit ahead and looks down at the clock. He’s still making good time.

But when he looks up, he’s not prepared for it. No one could have ever prepared him for the sight before him.

Standing miserably at the end of the exit was a young woman holding up a makeshift cardboard sign that said “Hungry. Please help. God bless.” Typical bullshit, he thinks. There are real people in the world that need help, and here they are, these soulless bloodsuckers, thinking they can fool anyone into giving them money out of pity. Ben was never the type to buy it.

But as he came closer his heart stopped.

He didn’t know what he recognized first. Maybe it was the color of her hair or the color of her sun kissed skin, gleaming out under the heat of the day. Maybe it was the quiet strength emanating from her, the vibration of her spirit that drew people in, that had always made her beautiful and magical.

No. As he came closer, he knew looking over that it was her eyes. Those wide green eyes that sparkled like emeralds in the sun. They still held a bit of that bright light, but the rest of her was shrouded in darkness.

_Rey._

His brain can hardly process the image he sees before him.

Her hair that once hung just past her shoulders was now cut short, covering her ears. Still feminine, but more mature.

But not the fresh, clean tresses that he remembers running his fingers through. It’s greasy and unkempt, and her arms and legs have bits of dirt covering them. She’s wearing short jean shorts and a short sleeve shirt that’s seen better days. The shape of her body has changed too. He can see how she’s grown into it, but she’s gaunt and sickly.

He knows it shouldn’t surprise him. He knows what he left behind. But he never thought it would be this bad. He didn’t think she’d still be here. For some reason she’d always seemed like a far-off dream, someone that existed in another time and place, like a character in a book or movie.

But she’s real. Too real.

And he can’t breathe.

Thankfully he’s one lane over and doesn’t think she’s seen him. He takes his left off the exit and when he can, he pulls off the side of the road, bends over, and vomits until there’s nothing left inside.

He’s pacing in the grass, trying in vain to calm his heart, but he can’t. He’s always had anxiety issues, but they’d gotten much better after moving away.

Now they’re back, full force, as if taunting him: _you thought you could leave it behind, but it’s always been there. She hasn’t left you. She still exists._

“Shit.” He climbs back in the car and holds his head in his hands, forcing the emotion back down as much as he can. He’s got to meet Amilyn. He can’t sit here. It has to be dealt with later. “Okay. It’s going to be okay. You can do this,” he says to himself.

*****

After pulling himself together, he parks his car in front of the high school.

He meets with Amilyn briefly before coming into his classroom to set things up. He’s teaching high school English. Shouldn’t be too hard. If he can write a book, he can deal with kids.

She’s a pleasant person by nature, always genuinely friendly to anyone she meets, especially to Ben. When she hugs him, he feels safe, just he did when he was a kid. If she notices that he’s completely messed up, she doesn’t say it. She’s always given him room to breathe.

After the school tour (unnecessary but done anyway), he sits down at his new desk and takes out his laptop, working diligently on his syllabus. It’s comforting to know he can get lost in his work. Aside from Rey, it’s been the only other true passion of his life.

Before he knows it, five hours have passed, and while he’d prefer to stay isolated here forever, he knows his uncle is coming for dinner, and he’s got to prepare for it.

*****

He’s finally arrived home, and swallows nervously seeing his uncle’s car parked in the driveway. It’s the same one he had five years ago. Ben knows it probably has at least 100,000 miles on it. If it were his, he’d get rid of it.

But not Luke. Luke held onto things for dear life. Anything to him that was precious was worth fighting for, protecting, and defending. It was always evident by the number of eight-track tapes and records he stored in that old ranch house, as well as the musty furniture and shaggy carpeting. Ben is positive it still looks as it did the day he left. 

Seeing him was inevitable, so Ben finally exits his car and walks through the front door, catching the tail-end of the conversation taking place beyond the foyer:

“And how is that going?”

“Oh, I think better than expected. He’s holding a lot of it in I think.”

Sure that they are talking about him, Ben makes as much noise as he can to alert them to his presence.

“Ben! You’re home.” Leia gets up and hugs him, and as he withdraws from her embrace, he finally sets his eyes upon his uncle’s face. The light blue of those irises plummets him back into the past, back to the exit, to _that_ Rey, and he nearly surrenders everything the day has wrought him, but he’ll have to wait until he’s alone.

After taking a seat on the couch next to his mother and father, he rubs the sweat off his hands on his pants and jiggles his knee.

Finally, Luke speaks up: “Hello Ben. Long time, no see.”

And Ben would prefer to keep it that way, but what choice does he have?

“Yeah.” It’s all Ben can muster after the day he’s had.

Luke focuses on the carpet for a moment, then looks up. “I’ve read your book Ben. It’s incredible. I’m very proud of you.”

His approval is not something Ben ever needed, but it’s nice to hear.

“Thanks. I just wrote what I knew. That’s all I could do, I guess.”

Ben shrugs, but Luke will have none of his self-deprecation. “No Ben, really. I think you’re writing at a level that my father could never reach. You’ve surpassed him, I think. Don’t you Leia?”

Leia smiles proudly. “Oh yes. But I always knew he’d do well.” She pats his knee. “Even if he did get into a bit of trouble in high school.”

What he wants to say is that maybe if Leia and Han hadn’t spent all their time fighting each other and neglecting him, he wouldn’t have had to try and get their attention so much. But it’s no use, and once again he reminds himself of his mother’s health.

Luke only grins, “Well, I did what I could, but Ben was headstrong, hell-bent on driving us crazy. I don’t know how we survived those four years, but we did.”

They talk about him like he was a juvenile delinquent, but he keeps his mouth shut.

Thankfully before his mother responds, probably with some sarcastic reply in mind, Luke’s phone rings. And when he looks down to see who’s calling his face falls: “I’ll um…. excuse me one second….” He motions over to the kitchen.

Ben doesn’t see Leia and Han look at each other anxiously as Luke takes the call. He’s too focused on getting his knee to stop jumping.

“Well, let’s go ahead and get situated at the table while he finishes up his conversation,” Han says.

They take their seats, Ben and Han nursing their glasses of whiskey. Luke will be drinking wine with Leia– if he ever sits down. They start to eat without him. And while his parents are having their own conversation, Ben overhears a bit of Luke’s:

“Listen I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it.”

*pause*

“I’m—I’m sorry, okay? Just please don’t stay there tonight Stardust.”

Ben drops his fork loudly onto his plate, and his mother looks guilty. Han refuses to meet his eyes.

Luke finally hangs up the phone, and when he comes in Ben tries to pull it together.

Keep it inside. Bury it. Kill it.

_Stardust._

*****

_When he sees his uncle’s house coming into view, he rolls his eyes._

_It’s not the first time he’s been sent here by his parents. Any time they’ve wanted to have time alone they’ve sent him here. Usually it’s after one of their big fights. After a week of sparring, Leia and Han like to spend a lot of time alone kissing and doing other unspeakable things, some of which Ben has walked in on (and it’s scarred him for life)._

_Other kids might be sad to be away from their parents for a week, but Ben is okay with it. He has more freedom at Luke’s. He can stay up as late as he wants, and if he fakes sick to get out of school, Uncle Luke always believes it. He’s such a tool._

_And usually by the time he gets back home, his parents are getting along again, and he can go back to his normal routine._

_He’s anxious to get out of the car so he can run into the house and hide away in his room to read, when he hears Luke talking to a bunch of little kids._

_They’re just babies. He’s annoyed because he can’t get into the house without Luke’s key, and doesn’t want to make small talk with a bunch of little brats. He’s never felt comfortable around kids his own age. They don’t like to play with him because all he likes to do during recess is sit on one of the swings and read his book. They call him ‘Spooky Solo,’ probably because of his pale skin and dark hair. Good. He wants to be scary, so people leave him alone._

_But the girl—Rey—she’s not so bad. A little too hyper, but he doesn’t mind it so much. He really doesn’t like that she called him grouchy, and he’s almost sorry he told them he would ride his bike with them. But after sitting in his bedroom for a minute, he decides she’s probably right. And she was still nice to him after she said it. It might be kind of nice to ride his bike. His parents are always so afraid something’s going to happen to him (even though he lives in a pretty fancy neighborhood). But Luke doesn’t care how late he stays out._

_But he’s not going to let them think he’s friends with them. After all, he’s eight, and they are a year younger. He’s way more mature than they are._

_As he takes his bike out, he decides to ignore them. But when he hears one of his favorite songs, he wants to make sure they know it, know that he’s cool._

_And of course, Rey is a copycat and says she likes it too. Her friend Finn makes fun of her, which is kind of funny._

_When Rey invites him over to Finn’s, he doesn’t expect it. Most kids would never do that. He’s so taken aback, that he doesn’t know how to answer, so he just comes up with an excuse and heads inside. He’s never had another kid be so nice to him before._

_He picks up his book and thinks about how the light of the orange sunset was sparkling in her eyes._

*****

It’s dead silent at the table.

“Ben…”

“What’s going on?” Ben nearly shouts. He’s trying so hard to control himself but can feel his hands shake.

Luke just keeps his eyes on the table while Leia and Han look over, expecting him to answer.

After a lengthy pause, Ben stands up and throws his napkin down onto the table. “I said, what’s going on Luke?”

Luke shakes his head slowly, still keeping his eyes down. “I don’t know what you mean Ben.”

“Bullshit! I heard it. I heard you say Stardust.”

“Ben…” Leia interjects, but it’s too late now. He’s been stuffing it inside all evening, and this was the last straw. He’s trying hard to remember that his mother is sick and isn’t in the condition to deal with drama like this. But it’s been a long time coming.

“What did you do to her Luke? I saw! I _saw_ her today!” he yells.

Leia and Han look on in shock, with Leia answering in a small voice, “You saw her, Ben? When?”

Ben ignores her and continues questioning his uncle. “Was that her? On the phone?”

“It’s not what you think Ben.” Luke is doing that annoying thing he always does, where he’s trying to act like some kind of holier-than-thou peacemaker. Like he’s never made a mistake in his life. That he can bring about world peace. That typical bull his generation thrived on. He dismisses the reality of life, of boundaries and structure—virtue, morality, self-respect—and Ben cannot believe how little this man has learned. How dismissive he is of the destruction he’s caused.

He’s killing her. Just like he was before.

“Yes, Ben. That was her.”

Ben frowns, pummeled with the reality of it all. A small part of him is excited, nervous, and relieved because if he wanted to, he could call her. He could call her _right now_ if he wanted to. He could pick her up and take her home, make her see reason. He could get her the help she so desperately needs. Maybe this time it will work. And he’ll be able to hold her in his arms again, _finally_.

But it never works. It never does because this man keeps breaking the bottom line. And Ben will be damned if he’s going to be a part of this madness again.

It nearly killed him before.

The tears are heavy behind his eyes, and they force themselves out, dropping down onto the table: “She’s staying with you, isn’t she?” Ben asks.

Luke answers, “Off and on, yes. I was just…trying to get her to stay home tonight. She’d like to see you Ben. I’m sure if you told her you were here….”

“NO!!!! I will not, and you will not. I can’t. And you know that. You _know_ that.”

Ben storms off, running up the stairs, slamming the door to his bedroom. He falls onto the bed and bursts into tears, his chest heaving. He hears his door open and smells his mother’s perfume. She’s wrapping her weak arms around him while he cries into her shoulder.

“I love her Mom. I love her so much.”

He knows she’s crying too because he can feel her warm tears hitting his shoulder too.

“I know sweetheart. I know you do.” She’s rubbing his back, trying to calm him down just like she’d do when he was a kid.

“I don’t know if I can do this Mom. It hurts too much. You didn’t see her. She looked so awful Mom. So awful. I’m terrified she’s going to die. Or that someone’s going to hurt her. Please Mom…please….” He doesn’t even know what he’s asking. It’s just an open plea. He wants his Mom to figure it out, to make it better. But no one can.

Ben had tried. His parents had tried. And his uncle is still trying. But Ben already knows what the rest of the family just won’t acknowledge:

The only person that can fix Rey is Rey. And he’s accepted that she never will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heard “Goodbye Town” by Lady Antebellum this week and thought of this fic 😫 *stomp on my heart*


	4. Chapter 4

She’s sick to death of Luke Skywalker.

He’s constantly calling her— _non-stop_ —checking on where she is and what she’s doing. As if she’s a child or something.

As if he wasn’t the one that got her involved in all of this. It’s laughable, really.

But Rey admits that ultimately, she was the one that couldn’t stop. Though her mind was exhausted, her body— _somehow_ —was not. It just wouldn’t give out. No matter how far she pushed it things to the edge they just wouldn’t fall over. She was desperate to put an end to it.

Her mind and body were one thing, but her heart? Well. That’s a part of her she’s always been connected with—probably too connected with. In fact, perhaps that’s the organ that’s been giving her the most trouble these days. It’s ready to die out, both literally and figuratively.

Or maybe it already had five years ago.

Because it really never belonged to her: _he_ had it. She’d been stupid enough to hand it off to the most reckless, angry, irresponsible, and selfish creature on this planet. But that’s the problem isn’t it? Once you give your heart away it’s impossible to get it back.

She often lays awake at night contemplating whether he’s moved on with someone else. It’s been five years after all. It would be crazy to think he’s just stayed alone that whole time.

Still.

She hopes he hasn’t. She doesn’t want to think about another woman running her fingers through his hair or kissing the pretty beauty marks scattered across his face. _You have a galaxy on your face, did you know that? I could always see it when the glow of the evening sun touched your skin,_ she thinks.

And lying here in the motel room she’s going over the memories in her head, trying to figure out for the one-millionth time how the hell she got here. But she never comes up with a decent answer. Just an endless silence that permeates the room with hopelessness.

Looking out the window she notices the sun is beginning to set outside, and the streetlamps are just now starting to light up.

And for the first time in a long time, she smiles.

*****

_“You wanna play pick up sticks?”_

_Rey continues to scrape the pavement with her fingers, deep in thought. “We always play that. It’s boring.”_

_Finn rolls his eyes. “What about Skip-It? We can see who can do the most skips…?”_

_Rey grumbles. “Nah, I don’t feel like it.”_

_It’s been a while since she’s been able to play with Finn again, since he’s been out of town with his family. His grandpa died, and he lived in another state called Virginia. Rey’s never even been outside the city where she lives, let alone a whole other state._

_Finn doesn’t seem too sad about it. He hardly saw his grandpa when he was alive, since he lived so far away._

_Sometimes it makes Rey mad. She doesn’t have grandparents or even parents. So even if his grandpa did die, at least he had one. She just has Plutt, and Plutt isn’t family. Rey doesn’t know what she is to Mr. Plutt._

_But now Finn’s back, and she thought she would be excited to play again, but now she’s sad because she’d hoped to see…_

_“Ben isn’t here you know,” Finn says. “Mr. Luke took him to see his parents.”_

_This confuses Rey. “Wonder why he doesn’t live with his parents. Do you think they are mean?”_

_Finn shrugs. “I dunno. I never heard of a kid that never lived with his mom and dad before. Besides he’s kinda weird.”_

_Rey leaps up. “You take that back Finn! He isn’t weird! He’s just super smart!”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You just like-like him.”_

_Rey scowled. “I do not!”_

_“Yeah you do! You want to kiss him—on the lips!” He giggles and makes gross, kissy faces. And there’s nothing more offensive to a seven-year-old than someone telling her she’s got a…_

_“Boyfriend! Boyfriend! Rey and Ben, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”_

_She is so angry, because she doesn’t like being made fun of, and she does **not** like Ben Solo like that. He’s just really cool and likes good music and has a neat bike. She doesn’t want to **kiss** him. That’s gross. She doesn’t want to kiss boys. Ever. _

_Pushing herself up from the pavement, she stands, picks up a rock and throws it at him. It’s not a big rock—just a tiny one—but she hopes it does some damage._

_“Hey!” Finn says. “You threw a rock at me! I’m telling my mom!”_

_Rey laughs. “So what! Go ahead and tell her. I don’t care!” She sticks out her tongue._

_Finn crosses his arms, “Well you know what? She’s not gonna take you home either.”_

_Now she worries. The only way home is with Finn’s mom. The grown-up bus stops are too far away to walk to._

_But she’s so angry. Finn is dumb, and she doesn’t want to ride home with his stupid mom either. She’s not Rey’s mom. Rey doesn’t even have a mom._

_She puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t care. I’ll go home by myself.”_

_Finn picks up his games, “Good. I’m going home. And you’re not my friend anymore.”_

_“Fine!” Rey turns her back toward him, and she hears him walk off behind her._

_Now she’s all alone. It’s probably dinner time at Finn’s house, and she’s missed it. Now she has to eat gross food at Mr. Plutt’s. If he’s left any for her._

_If she can even get home._

_The sky is darkening, with just a hint of light left, and the streetlights are coming on. She sits on the pavement by the neighbor’s driveway, hands resting on her knees._

_She’s not sure what to do now._

_Sitting there under the orange glow of the lights, she picks up another rock and starts scraping it on the pavement, humming “MMMBop” to herself. That song always makes her feel better._

_She doesn’t know how much time passes before it goes completely dark, but it feels like forever._

_And then…._

_A car is coming down to the cul-de-sac, and Rey can’t see which car at first because the headlights are so bright in her face. Then she stands up and sees who’s driving._

_It’s Mr. Luke._

_He steps out of the car heaving a sigh, and Rey is ready to walk up and ask him if he can take her home, when she sees the passenger door of his car open._

_It’s Ben._

_He’s not at his parents after all._

_“Hi Ben!” She waves and runs up to the driveway where he’s standing. He looks really tired, with dark circles under his eyes._

_Luke circles around to the back of the car. “Rey? What are you doing here so late?” He’s twirling his car keys in his hand._

_Rey, hands clasped behind her back, stares down at the ground, kicking the little rocks scattered there: “Well, um….Finn and I were just done playing, and he had to go back home.” She doesn’t want to tell him the truth in front of Ben—that she and her best friend got into a fight. She’s afraid he might make fun of her for being a big baby._

_Ben is just standing there watching, a blank look on his face, and Luke shakes his head. “You mean his mother couldn’t take you home this time?”_

_Rey is worried because Mr. Luke looks really angry, and she doesn’t want to cry in front of Ben, but she can feel the sting of tears behind her eyes. “Um…. I don’t know.” She mumbles it out pitifully and wipes her eyes. She’s so tired of being thrown away. She always is._

_Luke sighs in resignation, and Ben walks up to her and asks: “You want to come inside and watch TV?”_

_His uncle interjects, “Ben it’s late. Rey can’t just stay here. She has to go home to her foster father.”_

_Ben looks confused. “What’s a foster father? How come you don’t have parents?”_

_“Ben,” Luke says, trying to communicate with his eyes that this is not the right time. He points to the porch. “Come on in Rey. I’ll call Plutt and ask if you can stay the night. At least it’s Friday.”_

_Rey is so relieved. She knows Mr. Plutt won’t care if she stays. And now she can stay with Luke, even though he’s going to make her watch boring old game shows. And **Ben** is here. _

_Vibrating with excitement, she runs up to the porch and picks up the corner of the doormat and pulls out the spare key, swiftly opening the door._

_“Rey! How did you know that was there?!” he asks, exasperated._

_But she ignores his question and runs to the kitchen and pulls a Yoo-hoo out of his fridge. He always keeps packs of it there for her and lots of good snacks like Fruit Roll Ups and Dunkaroos. Stuff Plutt would never buy._

_Grumbling his way into the kitchen, Luke picks up the landline phone and calls Plutt. And just as Rey predicted, he has no problem with her staying._

_It never hurts her feelings. Mr. Plutt is not too bad. He just doesn’t want to be saddled with a seven-year-old._

_Luke hangs up the phone. “Have you had dinner Rey?” he asks._

_“No, but I’m not hungry.” But her stomach garbles out an embarrassing sound, and Luke picks the phone back up and orders a pizza._

_Ben is sitting on Luke’s old, yellow couch. Rey doesn’t like it because it’s ugly and covered in plastic. The cushions stick to her thighs, and when she complains to Mr. Luke, he always tells her it’s to keep it clean. And he’s not just going to throw something away if it works okay (he says this like it’s obvious, duh)._

_Seeing Ben sitting there, she’s kind of shy. Boys don’t ever make her nervous. Finn is her best friend after all. But Ben makes her nervous, and she doesn’t know why._

_“Well? Are you gonna sit or just stand there?” he asks. Now he’s back to being grouchy Ben, but she doesn’t mind. She plops down next to him and rolls her eyes when the plastic crinkles under her legs._

_Wheel of Fortune is playing on the TV, and Rey would like to change the channel, but it’s an old one that doesn’t have a remote. So she has to crawl over the brown, shaggy carpet and turn the knob. There are only five channels, and Rey is nervous wondering if what she lands on is going to be okay with Ben. But he sits quietly like he’s bored, staring off into space._

_She turns around to face him. “You wanna play Nintendo Ben?”_

_He’s looking at the carpet, and it’s like he’s in a trance. He looks sad. But eventually he lifts his head: “I don’t know. I’m sick of Nintendo.”_

_That’s not good, Rey thinks. She’s got to think of something cool before he gives up on her and decides he’s bored with her too. Then she remembers that he likes to read._

_But before she can ask it’s like he’s read her mind. “You want to go upstairs and read? I have lots of books.”_

_Huh. How did he know she was going to ask that?_

_She jumps up from the carpet. “Sure!” and runs into the kitchen. “Mr. Luke can we go upstairs and read please?”_

_He’s got his back to her, and he’s messing with something in the laundry room. When he hears her, he quickly comes out. “Sure Stardust. I’ll call you when the pizza gets here.”_

_“Woo!” She runs back to Ben and races him upstairs to his bedroom._

_When she comes inside, she takes a look around and automatically compares it to hers at Mr. Plutt’s. Ben’s walls are light blue, and his bed is big—way bigger than Rey’s. Rey has a little bed she hardly fits on with a ratty blanket. She walks up to Ben’s bed and feels how soft the comforter is. It’s almost like new, at least to her. He’s got a little wooden desk in the corner with books on it. His room is very clean, and Rey’s is always dirty. Plutt never cleans anything, and she’s too little to care. She jumps onto Ben’s bed, and he sits in his little desk chair across from her._

_“So, what books do you have Ben?” she asks, but he looks confused._

_“How come Luke calls you Stardust? That’s not your name.”_

_Oh, Rey thinks. “I dunno.” She’s waving her hands around, trying to explain it. “He just says because there’s like, um—this big group of stars in the sky that are so far away we can’t see them, so they look like ugly dust, but up close they are really pretty. Like me.”_

_She gives him a toothy grin, and he rolls his eyes. “That doesn’t make sense. Stardust means, like…. you know…. when people make goo-goo eyes at each other.”_

_Huh? “What’s goo-goo eyes?” Rey just feels dumber and dumber._

_He holds his chin in hand. “Well…. it’s like when you’re watching cartoons and the guy character has heart eyes for the girl.”_

_Rey’s thinking back to all the Looney Tunes she likes to watch and knows what he’s talking about: “Ohhhh. I don’t get it though. I have goo-goo eyes?”_

_Ben looks at her seriously, and Rey thinks this must be very important. “No because it means like, pretty eyes too. Like you have stardust in them.”_

_Huh. Mr. Luke has never said that, but she believes Ben. Suddenly she walks right up to him, an inch away from his face and pushes her eyelids up. She whispers, “Do they look pretty? Can you see the stardust in them?” She is serious about this too._

_“Ummm…. yeah. They’re pretty I guess.”_

_This comment makes Rey feel that swooping feeling in her tummy again, just like when she was watching Ben ride his bike. She wonders what it means._

_It’s the first time Rey sees the color of his eyes. They’re dark brown, like chocolate: “You have stardust too I think.”_

_Then she notices his cheeks._

_“Hey! Your cheeks are turning red. Are you sick?” She puts the back of her little hand on his forehead to check his temperature (that’s what grown-ups do when you’re sick), but he jumps up and hastily walks to the other side of the room._

_“No, I’m fine. It’s just always so hot in here. Luke hates air conditioning, and it’s super annoying.”_

_Rey doesn’t feel hot at all, but maybe Ben is just that way. Some people are always hot, and some people are always cold. “So, what kind of books do you have? I like books with lots of pictures.”_

_He shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s what babies read. You need to read books with words, so you graduate. That’s why my mom says. Smart people read books with no pictures.”_

_Ugh. This sounds so boring. Rey is too young to read books like that. She doesn’t say it, but she’d rather go back to the living room and watch TV. But of course, being with Ben is much more fun, even if he likes to do boring stuff._

_“Here. This one is really good.” He pulls a paperback off his desk. “And we can sit on my bed and read it together if you want. We can take turns reading out loud.”_

_Rey can feel her hands sweat because she doesn’t want to look dumb, but she is really bad at reading. Ms. Holdo* is always yelling at her for not being able to ‘focus Rey. Playtime is over. It’s time to face the blackboard.’_

_She doesn’t like Ms. Holdo. She’s a mean old lady._

_“Well…um…I’m not good at reading. Can you read it to me?”_

_He nods. “Sure. But you need to learn this stuff. I’ll help you.” Ben talks to her like he’s one of the teachers at school. He is very no-nonsense._

_She jumps on the bed and crawls over to sit next to him against the wall. He reads aloud and holds the book open so she can follow the words. After a while she’s gotten more comfortable, listening to the sound of Ben’s voice, and she loves it because he does all the voices for the characters and the sound effects, making her giggle._

_Soon Luke calls them down for pizza and they watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. Rey hasn’t seen it, but Ben has. And anything Ben likes she wants to like too._

_They spend all weekend reading and watching movies. And Rey thinks this could be the best weekend she’s ever had._

*****

Rey’s eyes open after dreaming of galaxies and stars and planets—love and magic. But it all ends when she feels her head throb with a piercing pain. Another migraine. She’s dehydrated too.

She looks over to the nightstand and grabs her phone, seeing five missed calls from Luke. He’s not going to stop calling her until she goes over there. He keeps begging her to move in again, but she just can’t. She can’t stand to see that familiar cul-de-sac or the old furniture. It’s nearly all the same. It makes her feel like her life was a dream that failed. And it hurts, God it hurts, to feel that stab of pain when she sees all _his_ things are gone. They’ve been gone for a long time now.

So has he.

She gets her backpack organized, straps it on and heads out into the humidity.

It’s a relief to see the sun is hidden by a blanket of gray clouds. That’ll make the walk to the bus stop easier. As long as it doesn’t rain.

And of course, she’s not made it five steps out of the parking lot before she feels those first few raindrops on her arms. She’s walking swiftly now to avoid being out in a downpour, and of course, again, it’s like the universe hears her, and the rain pours harder and harder.

Fifteen minutes later, completely soaked, she hops onto the bus and rides out to Luke’s house. She really should have just called him. He would have picked her up, but the ride will be nice. She wants to be able to prepare herself to be thrust back into that headspace she always goes to when dealing with Luke.

They’d had a fight the last time they’d spoken. She keeps telling him she’s not moving back in, but he is stubborn, saying that everything can be fixed, and she can start a new life. Dammit why can’t he just leave her alone? She doesn’t have a life anymore. And she doesn’t want one. It’s like her batteries have completely run out, and Luke’s got new ones, but she refuses to use them.

What’s the point in living without your life? _He’s_ her life, her home.

But he’s gone. Which means she’s homeless in every way. There is no shelter from the pain. And he probably has a new life now. With a new girlfriend—or wife. They have a nice house with kids. She imagines them playing in their backyard with one of those family dogs, like a golden retriever. He’s written a shelf full of books. His wife, whoever she may be, is likely just as into that literary crap that he is. They probably read _A Tale of Two Cities_ before they go to bed every night.

_In bed every night._

He probably doesn’t even think about her anymore. And she doesn’t blame him. It’s like anyone who is pulled into her orbit is thrust out. Like she doesn’t deserve to have people close to her. It’s just been her lot in life. Ever since she was a little girl.

She laughs at herself, hopping off the bus and making the long walk into Luke’s neighborhood. Funny that even now she just can’t get over it all. When bad things happen to normal people, they don’t just start taking drugs to numb the pain. They get a therapist and a psychiatrist and do they best they can to move forward.

Rey didn’t have those options. And she got hooked fast. Probably just like her mother. She always figured she was an addict too.

As she gets closer to the cul-de-sac, she takes a deep breath in, almost keeping her eyes down on the pavement to keep herself from taking in the little houses and the streetlamps.

And there he is, sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette.

Luke never used to do that, and the hilarious thing is that it makes her sick _. Cigarettes_.

She stops in the middle of the driveway, and they just stare at each other.

“Rey. I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll leave you alone, but I need to tell you something before you come inside.”

Ugh. He’s always up to something. It really grates her nerves. Waving her hand to dismiss him, she says, “Save it Luke. I’m not in the mood for whatever drama you plan to dredge up. What do you want? I can’t stay here tonight. I’ve got a place for a while anyway. And I don’t want to argue.” She also needs to shoot up, and the longer they stand there the more irritated she becomes.

He’s walking slowly off the porch like she’s some kind of crazed beast he’s trying to tame. “I don’t want to argue either. I need to tell you something. It’s very important. But you have to promise not to be angry with me. Please.”

Now _this_ is weird. Luke’s always full of shit, but this is the guiltiest he’s ever looked. She eyes him suspiciously. “What’s going on? What have you done?”

When he takes too long to answer, she pushes past him and runs over the threshold.

“Rey stop!” he calls out, but she’s ignoring him.

Looking around the old living room she sees nothing out of the ordinary, but then in the corner by the old sofa there’s a cane she’s never seen before.

She walks over and picks it up, turning it over in her hands.

“Never would have thought I’d be old enough to need a cane, but here we are.”

No.

Rey looks up in shock to see that familiar face staring over at her, brown eyes glistening and mouth trembling.

It can’t be. It _can’t_ be her. Because she’s said she’d never speak to her again.

And Rey can feel hot tears run down her cheeks, her hands dropping the cane onto the old shaggy carpet.

“Leia?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby Ben & Baby Rey = 😫 ✨💘
> 
> Go go Power Rangerssss.


End file.
